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:iconventurus: More from venturus


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Submitted on
April 29, 2005
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4,230 (1 today)
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I've told you I'm staying in tonight,
you, as usual, haven't listened.
Negligent out of pain, perhaps –
a thorn lifted off some nightmare
flower. You ask me to remove it,
have tried a shower. I'm thinking
if the water can't free it, how will I?
Besides, I've seen a bird, which,
as it starts to trill, suggests were I
such a thing, I'd rather be dumb.
Still, my not singing like a bird,
does it mean you can't call me one?
Again, you're not listening. And
it's flown off now into that gloom
where everything feels heavier,
but I don't suppose is. It presses
like the sloping walls of a Gallic
town, spied from an odd angle.
edited. the original version was published in Aesthetica.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2005-05-17
Blackbird by =venturus

Simplistic language and complex meanings, familiar patterns and odd subversions, old images with new twists: =venturus fills his poetry with all of these. Blackbird is well worth a look. ( Suggested by demonlight and Featured by ndifference )
:iconmeinesehnsucht:
MeineSehnsucht Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012   Writer
Have I told you before I think this is quite Leonard Cohen-esque? But that's a compliment anyway.
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012   Writer
thanks Maart, always interesting to hear what connections people make, someone else said it reminded them of Catcher in the Rye.
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:iconmusicobsessed:
musicobsessed Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2005
The line breaks are perfect. If I were write in this manner, I would ramble and would not sound poetic at all. The ending image is just beautiful.
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2005   Writer
hello musicobsessed! thanks for the comments and fave! :)
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:iconestapordamiuda:
estapordamiuda Featured By Owner May 18, 2005
I loved how you entwined the two perception levels.
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thank you! :)
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:icontdub87:
Tdub87 Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
Very nice. everyone has love no matter what it is, its in somethin Think about your art and smile
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
:)
Reply
:iconpoppyluke:
poppyluke Featured By Owner May 17, 2005   Photographer
Let me know if there's anything else I can read for you. I promise to bow out of any unneeded comments directed toward me on your page in the future.
Reply
:iconinsanexflame:
insanexflame Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
is this not precisely how brilliant ideas light on us - in random musings and run-on thoughts! the conversational, stream of consciousness tone is a perfect way to express deep ideas in a new and striking manner.
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thanks for your nice comment, insanexflame! :)
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:iconebon-clouds:
Ebon-Clouds Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
Awesome-ness in a can!
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thank you! :D
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:iconpaul-beaulieu:
paul-beaulieu Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
This is such a random poem of thoughts just running around! It almost reminds me of what I talk like. I really like it. Great job!
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
glad you liked it, paul! :)
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:iconjustb:
justb Featured By Owner May 17, 2005   Writer
glub
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
glub?
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:iconsoshadowsays:
SoShadowSays Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
No offence to you or anything but I didn't get this poem at all. It seems "corny" in a way because it's just, the transitions aren't the great and your verbs aren't fantastic.
Reply
:icononeautumnstar:
oneautumnstar Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
oh man.. this is exactly how i feel right now.
you wrote it so perfectly.
Reply
:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thanks, oneautumnstar, glad u liked it. :)
Reply
:iconflat1ine:
flat1ine Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
this strikes a very deep chord with me - i've always liked the sound - harsh though it may be. i've even named my badn and record company [as tiny as they are] blackbird days [band] and blackbird records [label].

[link]
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
good name for a record company. thanks for yr comment, flat1ine. :)
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:iconflat1ine:
flat1ine Featured By Owner May 19, 2005
thanks for writing the kickassness! a pleasure to read.
Reply
:iconcarsinmotion:
CarsInMotion Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
I heart those long,drawn out sentences. They mean something. Something so great there isn't a word for it.
I also heart your metaphors. I have a poem I wrote metaphorically once. Your metaphors are excelent. Probably far more excelent than mine. Infact, I'm sure they are. :) Congrats on DD, I can only dream.
Reply
:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thanks for commenting, CarsInMotion! :)
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:iconcellophanerain:
cellophanerain Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
blackbird singing in the dead of the night , take these broken wings and learn to fly...

wonderful work
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
... all your life ...

thanks for commenting, cellophanerain!
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:iconcellophanerain:
cellophanerain Featured By Owner May 18, 2005
anytime :D
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:iconsamblob:
SamBlob Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
Indeed!

[link]
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
nice picture!
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:iconsamblob:
SamBlob Featured By Owner May 18, 2005
Yep, I think so too. I wish I could draw that well.
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:iconslightlyderranged:
SlightlyDerranged Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
I like it... <3 :+fav:
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thank you! :)
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:iconqueenish:
queenISH Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
i love the line breaks and especially,

"And I'm thinking if the water can't get it out
I don't see how I will."

i'm a little too brain dead to say anything else... >.<
all i know is i love it and you did a great job!
Reply
:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
i'm glad you liked it, queenISH. :)
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:iconqueenish:
queenISH Featured By Owner May 18, 2005
you're welcome. :love:
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:iconnexx:
nexx Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
.gorgeous! :clap:
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thank you! :)
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:iconnexx:
nexx Featured By Owner May 18, 2005
.you're most welcome! :)
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:iconnrgizrbuni:
nrgizrbuni Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
What powerful imagry. The images you've described evoke so many emotions...confusion, frustration, saddness. Excellent job! A DD well deserved, by the way.

:D
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
yes, those were certainly emotions i was aiming for. thanks for commenting, nrgizrbuni. :)
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:iconhaloeater:
haloeater Featured By Owner May 17, 2005
I adore this. Lovely work indeed. And I am a fan of enjambment, as well. My favourite segment:

"Besides, I've seen
a blackbird, which, as it starts to sing, suggests
if I were a blackbird I would not want to sound
like one. And by this point I've decided
just because I don't sing like a blackbird
doesn't mean you can't call me one."

Positively brilliant.
Reply
:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thanks, haloeater. :)
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:iconidonotbuybeans:
idonotbuybeans Featured By Owner May 17, 2005   Writer
a stream of consciousness! brilliant!
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thank you! :)
Reply
:iconsperpy:
Sperpy Featured By Owner May 17, 2005  Hobbyist
golly gosh gee you have perfect enjambement in this. I have so many problems with linebreaks because you don't want to have them be contrived, or random, and they're so goddamn difficult but i swear, i swear, i swear you did it.

i enjoyed this a lot. firstly for the character you communicate through this - whether it be you, a side of you, a fantasised side of you, a projection of you - i could see a real personality through this, and found it fascinating. example of what i'm saying shows in this bit here:
And by this point I've decided
just because I don't sing like a blackbird
doesn't mean you can't call me one.


secondly the simplicity of the language made this hardhitting, again in terms of pure character/relationship development/insight.

i enjoyed this. good job!
Reply
:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thanks for your comment, La-Serpentia! glad you liked the poem. :)
Reply
:iconhectigo:
hectigo Featured By Owner May 17, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Nice style - reminds me of some stuff I myself have written recently. All my poems are and will be in Finnish though, so they won't be published here (if anywhere). Back on topic: The way you abruptly end the lines is nice, and using this trick constantly gives the poem a unique feeling. It also fits the general idea of the poem, as the subject seems to jump all over the place. I love the ending with the unusual train of thought. It's nice how all this playing with words doesn't come on the way of the meaning of the poem - the emotion is certainly there. Good job. I haven't probably faved any poems in DeviantArt, so it's about time to do so.
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:iconventurus:
venturus Featured By Owner May 18, 2005   Writer
thanks for your comment, hectigo! why no poems in English? if you're Finnish, you seem completely at ease with the English language.
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:iconhectigo:
hectigo Featured By Owner May 18, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I might be able to write comments and such in English, but poetry and prose is a whole different thing. Clearly understanding the implications of each and every word and being able to work beyond the usual use of language is something that even a native speaker can't always handle. Sometimes I can't even express some of my thoughts in Finnish, so expecting to be able to do so in English would be quite foolish.

Thank you for the reply :)
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