literature

14. Poetic licence

Deviation Actions

venturus's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

At Barfly you tweet to your
two-hundred-odd followers.
A manga character with blue
hair is lipping the mic. She has
Genius scrawled in marker
on her loose T-shirt. You make
me feel alive,
she croons.
Beer in hand, you watch her.
Like any other night creature
you cannot change what you are.
Later you’ll lead her away
into the dark part of the club.
vampire poem
@ianjmclachlan 
© 2015 - 2024 venturus
Comments6
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Swep-Lovitt's avatar
believe you would like this poem much better if you cut "Like any other night creature"

Beer in hand you watch her.                           (perhaps Bitter in hand, Guniness in hand, a specific beer/ale)
You cannot change what you are.
Later, you'll lead her away,
Into the dark part of the club.

you're removing the dead line and allowing "watch her./...what you are." to interact